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A local secular Jewish woman, whose grandparents survived the Holocaust (this piece isn’t autobiographical…it’s about….someone else? Not me though) was especially pleased with the way her ass looked on Thursday, May 2nd. She decided to share it with her 500 Instagram followers (once again not autobiographical, I have 502 followers so it’s obv not about me). Suddenly it came over her: she forgot it was Holocaust  Remembrance Day and posted a picture of her ass on Instagram, but thankfully she remembered…and posted another picture of her ass on Instagram.

The local woman, who asked not to be named (it’s not me so stop saying that) had forgotten it was Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day, for the layman) because I don’t know she was busy? She remembered when her dad (not my dad, this woman’s dad’s name is Jon and my dad’s name is John with an H) texted her reminding her to always appreciate the beauty and fragility of life, as it is fleeting and can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye. “Oh shit,” thought the local secular Jewish woman, “I just posted a picture of my ass moments ago with the caption ‘Why you hating?’”

The local secular Jewish woman immediately felt guilty that she had forgotten it was Holocaust Remembrance Day and that posted a picture of her ass, and only remembered only after a poetic text from her (not my) dad. She was determined to pay tribute to her now deceased paternal grandparents who were both holocaust survivors. Courageous people who lost their families, survived starvation, unspeakable racialized violence, and pain to come to America so she can accidentally text her boss a picture of her mildly sore throat with a caption that says “Ouie, Mommy” (guys this woman is clearly an idiot, I’m great with my phone). She took stock of all in her life that was good and uncomplicated. The local woman decided that she must pay some kind of tribute to her beautiful grandparents, Thomas and Frederica (OK so the fact that these were also my grandparents’ names tells you nothing, these are perfectly common German names OK?). She decided to draft a lovely tribute to them on her Instagram and to make a donation to a refugee organization in their name. Unfortunately, in so doing, she walked past a mirror and was particularly struck by how positively round her ass looked in her Asos Brand Jeans. “Maybe just one little pic,” she said out loud, and posted a pic of ass.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

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