Top 5 Places to Cough in 2020
April showers are here folks, May flowers are just around the corner so naturally, the pollen count is going to be headed up, up, UP over the coming months. This particular allergy season many are finding it hard to openly express themselves and expel their phlegm while a global pandemic is taking place. At Grump HQ, we’ve decided to compile the best places for coughing, sneezing, picking your nose, etc.
Now you don’t have to worry about getting sprayed with a can of Lysol by your roommate or the wild Karen at the grocery store.
NUMBER 5: THE CAR
This one can seem like a no brainer, but it’s number five on the list because you may inadvertently cause an accident. Other drivers on the road may start driving erratically to avoid you in fear of catching the Rona framing you as careless and a presumed leper.
NUMBER 4: THE SHOWER
If you have roommates, this is your best bet for discreet at home coughing, sneezing, nose-blowing, etc. Just turn that shower on, point the showerhead towards the shower liner, and you’ll have made enough distracting noise to cover a cough.
If you don’t cohabitate with women (ergo, there is no shower curtain) the sound created upon squeezing a full Axe shower gel bottle will suffice. Making sure the bottle is full is important for the highest decibel level produced upon squeezing. Luckily, if you’re using Axe shower gel studies show you’re probably not using it often, so it’s likely the bottle will be full and ready to use.
NUMBER 3: THE WOODS
I personally tested this one out. While it should be simple to venture into the woods and find some peace and quiet, it seems open season is in fact upon us! Hunters have started practicing social distancing as well as their aim. Be sure to wear a reflective vest if using this method. With hunting parties fanned out 6 feet apart from one another you can easily become entrapped while finding a nice spot to have a cough a sneeze or a pick. I can attest to this as I was personally shot while digging for some nasal gold but hey, what doesn’t’ kill you makes you stronger.
NUMBER 2: AN UPPER-CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD
While eating the rich is cannibalism, sneezing on the rich is becoming more acceptable than ever in this time of economic and social upheaval. So, drive on over to the nicest part of town you can think of and start coughing, sneezing, putting boogers on doorknobs, but try to go for houses with 3 car garages or more because, #SomeLivesMatter.
NUMBER 1: YOUR INNER ARM!
This is the number one recommended place to sneeze by the CDC and for legal reasons, the only place we can put our grumpiest endorsement behind. Some may say “hey but what if I’m in a grocery store or at the park?” To that I say, if you are venturing beyond the confines of your home in this pandemic, be sure to keep some hand sanitizer handy, and always ask, “Is this essential?” #FlattenTheCurve.
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-A Well-Mannered Grump