Social Distancing is a Must! (Unless it Halts Production of Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas)
With the production of various television series and major motion pictures completely at a standstill, local Hallmark-Christmas-Special Enthusiast, Stan Forente, has been worried about one thing and one thing only since the start of the pandemic: what does this mean for Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas?
“The pandemic is out of control, we have to do everything we can to stop it, but I’ll be damned if Hallmark just shows reruns. I’ve seen Matchmaker Santa and A Boyfriend for Christmas at least a dozen times each,” lamented Forente. “There’s just something about watching generically good looking people with unusually crisp hair go through the motions of identical plot lines each year that reminds me it’s Christmas time.”
While interviewing Craig Macintire, a representative from Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, he told us to reassure Forente that nothing would stop them from producing every ounce of Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas. “We’ve been using CGI to put new faces and dialogue to our old films for years now,” remarked Macintire. “Just one of the many ways Hallmark has been flattening the curve.”
But this raised some questions on our end. Why would Hallmark waste so much time and energy on CGI when A Very Zoom Christmas is a topical, socially-distant, low-budget opportunity right up their alley?
“I don’t know what you’re accusing me of,” remarked Macintire in our follow up interview. “We’re just making Christmas movies.”
As he clicked his pen and began to sweat his eyes darted over to a picture on his desk of a woman.
“All right. I’ll come clean,” Macintire broke down. “My aunt was hit by a ski lift bench, rolled down a hill, hit a tree, the tree fell to the side of her but then it rolled over her like the machine they use to smooth out freshly paved roads. She lived, but when she finally left the hospital she choked on some crackers, and anyway she haunts me now. I’ve never told anybody that before, but my aunt has haunted me since 2004.”
So when Christmas rolls around, there’s no need to worry. Hallmark has got you covered.