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Shutdown Ends Amateur Improv Shows For Near Future, Reports Relieved Nation

Chicago, IL

With a widening grin and visible excitement, a spokesperson for the White House announced that due to continuing delays on a full reopening, it is unclear when it will be possible to attend amateur improv comedy performances. The novel coronavirus has ravaged the globe and has made it impossible to attend movie theaters, restaurants, plays, and most mercifully of all, improv comedy shows.

“With everything so up in the air, we couldn’t possibly say when it’ll be legal to go to a dirty and crowded theater and see your one friend and several other white strangers pretend to be children on a playground or some nonsense like that,” the spokesperson said, “We have our fingers crossed that it’ll be a year at the least, but we don’t want to jinx it!”

We asked Phillip Anchorage, a New York-based improviser if he thought the continuing pandemic would impact improvisers moving forward “Yes, and I think that it’s going to be a while before we recover. I shudder to think that one day the only thing you go to out of a nagging sense of obligation for a work acquaintance will be a baby shower. A darker world indeed,”

The educational impact cannot be understated either. COVID has spread to every corner of the United States, and more concerningly, so has collegiate improv. Students are practically buzzing at the concept of spending their nights going to parties with people that can hold a conversation without referencing old John Mulaney routines. “I saw one guy go out to perform without shoes on. Like a freaking hobbit. Dude. That’s a public space. I take classes in this building on Monday. Knock it off,” said Mia Castellanos, Class of 2021. “If I wanted to get drunk and watch some people I just barely know make a fool of themselves I’d do it at a real party where at least there’s a chance I could bum some weed off of someone while I was there,”

As the lockdown continues for the foreseeable future we are faced with many horrifying prospects. An economic system where millions are being taken off of their employer’s health insurance. A government that seems indifferent to the suffering of the citizens and concerns itself only with the preservation of capital. An education system floundering in its attempts to adapt. And perhaps the scariest thing is that there are people finding ways to improv shows online. We can, however, breathe a sigh of relief that they haven’t found a way to do acapella online… yet.

By: Sean Cheney

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