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Seattle, WA

The sun was out for one of the first times this past week in Seattle, Washington, and so were the canvassers on every street corner asking, “do you have a moment.” Everything was playing out as it normally does, people were avoiding eye contact, lying about the amount of time they have, or saying they donate in other ways. Today, however, was different for one Planned Parenthood canvasser who happened to be at a particularly slow intersection and had gone to a palm reader the night before. Samantha Roberts had a feeling deep inside her that maybe… just maybe… in a past life she had been one of Donald Trump’s prematurely ejaculated sperm.

Pedestrians passing by began to worry when they saw Samantha writhing around in the middle of the road shouting “CURSE YOU MADAME ZERONI”! For our readers who are unaware, Madame Zeroni is Zero’s great great great grandmother. Madame Zeroni was the woman who cursed Eyla Yelnats and his family line. She was portrayed by the late Eartha Kitt in the film adaptation of the novel Holes. We believe she was referring to the palm reader she had seen the night prior.

While we don’t think Samantha intended to be offensive by comparing her palm reader, who was of African descent, to the the character, yet she did it. And as we all know, anyone who slightly strays from the realm of politically correct language shall be ostracized and ignored for the rest of their life, and certainly not allowed to support important causes like women’s reproductive rights.

We sat down with Roberts to discuss the incident. “I saw a MAGA shirt on a man clipping his nails at a coffee shop across the street and I felt it rush over me, the out-of-body feeling that I, at one point, was one of the President’s gaggle of pre-cum… not that he’s MY president”. At this moment Samantha began to shake, quiver, and writhe on the floor of the Peet’s Coffee shop We pretended not to know her because “come on dude, stop making a scene”.

Robert’s has very bad medical insurance, so she can’t afford treatment of any kind. She hopes to one day leave her new job at True Value and give a therapist ninety dollars for a thirty minute conversation about Baby Bottle Pops and their influence on her fashion choices.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

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