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Nifty! These Totally Common Household Items Make A Fine Dildo

If you’re anything like us then you know that this quarantine and social distancing has taken your sex like from a 0 to a negative -20. 

 

But fear not! There are many ways to get creative and we’re here to help. Behold! These 5 household items make a fine dildo! 

A List of Fine Dildos

Okay, okay this one might be obvious but look at her.  Isn’t she ravishing? A beautiful dildo is she.

 

Call me old fashioned, but this organic eggplant locally sourced from the Key Foods down the block makes for one elegant and, dare I say, sensual dildo!

 

Let’s be real here, have you ever really used this Eiffel Tower figurine your aunt Nancy bought for you in the Milwaukee airport when you were in the seventh grade? I mean it just kinda sits there, right? It would be a great disservice to the item were it not used, right? Desperate times, right?

 

If you’re anything like us then you probably have this statue of the Egyptian god Osiris with a phallus and amulets. An outstanding dildo makes this priceless statue of the ancient Egyptian god of fertility, agriculture, the afterlife, the dead, resurrection, life, and vegetation!

 

Why do you have this? Who cares! What a stupendous and refined dildo is this rare and, likely illegally obtained wind chime.

 

RIP to your aunt Nancy, but alas it was her time! It would be a shame to let this refined and very common household item go to waste! It’s what aunt Nancy would’ve wanted: for you to get yours even in a global pandemic. 

 

 

Well, that concluded our list! Looks like you’re in for a super successful quarantine! No need to thank us! We do the hard work (wink) so you don’t have to.

By: Jesse Arnholz

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