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My Socially Distant Sweet Sixteen, Coming to a Streaming Service Near You


You thought My Super Sweet Sixteen was bad? Wait until you see a teenage girl break down over CDC guidelines! 


Alexis Spendmore was super bummed about celebrating her sweet sixteen in the middle of a pandemic. Self-isolation was so not part of her partying agenda. Thanks to an ailing streaming giant with cash to burn, she’s now the star of the pilot episode of a new reality series entitled: My Socially Distant Sweet Sixteen.


Early reports reveal Miss. Spendmore has requested a fleet of hot pink Jeeps in which her friends and family will arrive by individually, eating partitions imported from Italy to ensure minimum mid-chew spew, and zip-up dancing pods to match each guests’ distinct outfit color (uniquely cut above to the belt to allow for grinding). 


 Sources report that DJ duties will be provided by a Coachella favorite, Deadmau5, due to the “practically coronavirus resistant, cartoon mouse head.” Other celebrity guests may include Daft Punk, Courtney Cox as Monica Geller with the turkey over her head, Darth Vader, and selected contestants from The Masked Singer. 


When asked to comment on how she felt about this dramatic turn of events, Alexis was quoted as saying, “The world may be on fire, but my party’s going to be lit AF.” She then typed a bunch of fire and 100 emojis into the notes app on her iPhone 11 Pro and showed them to us. Parting gifts are believed to be designer, antimicrobial facemasks that read “Ain’t No Party like a Pandemic Party Cause a Pandemic Party Requires a Fourteen-Day Quarantine Period When It Stops.” 

Keep an eye out for spinoff series: My Quarantine Quinceañera and My Antibacterial Bat Mitzvah!


By: Timothy Janovsky

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