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May - Perfect Weather for Getting RAMMED

May: Perfect Weather for Getting RAMMED

May - Perfect Weather for Getting RAMMED

With springtime comes warmer weather, blooming tulips, and a break from those pesky winter blues. And when it comes to celebrating sunshine, nothing beats light clothing, leisurely walks, and fucking your brains out. The old adage is true: April showers bring May ramming.

As Spring sets in, cities across the nation witness widespread mood boosts. “Honestly, this weather is too good to pass up,” says Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot. “If it’s over 70 degrees, you can bet I’ll be spending the whole day getting plowed.” Lightfoot isn’t alone; bright eyes and vibrant attitudes across the city this week make it apparent that almost everyone is relentlessly getting jammed ‘till the neighbors file noise complaints.

Lightfoot added that if you’re not getting bulldozed every day of the week, you’re doing the Easter season wrong. “I enjoy this beautiful time by waking up to watch the sunrise, curating a cup of coffee, reading the paper, then having a good deep dicking. It puts a smile on my face before the busy workday begins.”

In a statement regarding current COVID-19 stress, Governor J.B. Pritzker reminds Illinois, “As the end of the school year approaches, be sure to stop, smell the roses, and enjoy a good farking. I take pride in knowing that my citizens engage wholeheartedly in volunteering, community engagement, and smashing each other nonstop. To all of you I’d like to say: Never stop pursuing your dreams of year-round, unceasing sledgehammering.”

-A Well-Mannered Grump

by: Zoe Zuidema

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