LIBERAL SNOWFLAKE BUYS AN ANDROID
Meghan Fishbloom is the at the center of this story but, for easier reading comprehension throughout the article, we will refer to her as Snowflake McProbabyJustLovesHandouts.
McProbabyJustLovesHandouts was seen strolling likes of Westfarms mall earlier this weekend. She was in the market for a new cellular telephone or, “Smartphone” as the left-wing hippie dippies now call them. McProbabyJustLovesHandouts was wearing revealing denim blue pants with holes near the booty, an itsy bitsy tinny weeny little apricot color bennie, and a nose ring. Anyone with half a brain could predict where she would be shopping on this fine Saturday morning.
As McProbabyJustLovesHandouts approached the Apple store something was off. She wasn’t slowing down, her stride uninterrupted. She was now just 50 feet from the entrance of the store. 40. 20. Surely she was unaware of how close she was to the entrance of the store and was just so stupid and snowflakey that she didn’t understand her surroundings. 10 feet. 5 feet. She passed the store.
What McProbabyJustLovesHandouts did next was stunning. Patrons of the mall turned their necks creating a backup in foot traffic to watch the unprecedented action she was about to take. McProbabyJustLovesHandouts was now a full four stores beyond snowflake central (The Apple Store) as she began to slow her pace. A pivot. A few more steps and she was inside a… Best Buy.
The transcript of the Ms. McProbabyJustLovesHandouts’ encounter with the Best Buy’s salesperson is listed below.
Liberal Swine: One Android cellular telephone, please.
Salesperson: I think you’re in the wrong place mam. You’re far too close to gay to not be lost right now.
Liberal Swine: Hi. No sir I am at a Best Buy and I would like to make the best buy and purchase an Android cellular telephone. Can you talk to me about the differences between the Samsung Galaxy S10 Plus and the Google Pixel 3?
Salesperson:What the hell is happening! Someone help me! My 10% commission isn’t worth this kind of demolition of cultural norms and expectations! I quit! I QUIT! I’m moving back home with my Mommy and Daddy! Wahhhhh! Wahh Wahh!
Let the record show that McProbabyJustLovesHandouts opted to go with the Google Pixel 3. She was also given a free CD of her choice for the inconvenience she faced. She went with Garth Brooks’ 2016 Gunslinger.
-A Well-Mannered Grump