INSANE CREDIT CARD OFFERING 0% INTEREST UNTIL YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU
The Bottom of a Pile of Spam, Your Mailbox
Jake Joyce, a twenty-five-year-old barista and self identified meme lord never thought he would be financially stable. That was until this past Wednesday, when Jake sifted through the pile of junk mail that had been growing at the foot of his bed and found an envelope that read “Prequalified just for you! Discover’s newest card offering 0% interest until your dad is proud of you.”
When asked what he was feeling when he read the envelope, Joyce said, “I’ve done some questionable things in my life, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my dad’s trust forever. Now, that’s a GOOD thing with Discover Disappointing!”
Jake went on to talk about “how this financial stability will allow him to dedicate his life to a cause he finds worthy and underappreciated” and he went on to talk about meme culture. “In the same way that letters came to be, people will learn the meaning and history behind each symbol, sign, and sign system in existence and become masters of semiotics upon leaving primary school We could create a new universal language if we just embraced the meme” Joyce enthusiastically stated.
Jake then took out his RipStick and rode it downtown to his father’s law firm, hoping to solidify his image as a deadbeat loser. He was in the building for approximately twelve minutes and when he came out, Jake dabbed a few times in celebration. We waited outside the building to approach Jake’s father, Brian Joyce, as he left for the day. As he huffed and puffed over his son’s existence, Brian Joyce said “The kid has to grow up, get a real job, and give me and my smokeshow wife some goddamn grandkids!” It was important to Brian that we knew his wife was a “smokeshow”.
When we asked Jake what his first purchase would be, he said, “Uhhh probably like some edibles from my guy or something.” We were surprised that Mr. Joyce’s drug dealer took credit cards, but hey, in Jake’s words: “The world’s changing everyday, and personally, I’m about that kinda shit.”
— A Well-Mannered Grump