Infant Chugs Milk at Family Party; Mother Faces Hazing Charges
The Risken family of Eden Prairie, Minnesota, has been banned from city events for at least five years after allegations of hazing activities. The city initiated an investigation after the family’s 3-month-old, Lily, passed out after consuming a large amount of warm milk at her mother’s hands.
Lily absolutely going to town.
Lily’s mother, Shawna, claims that the baby was “drinking under her own conditions” when she slipped into a heavy, milk-induced slumber from which the child was difficult to wake.
“Wait, what?” said Shawna, upon being arrested. “I was feeding my child. Am I the only one here who’s read a parenting book?” Shawna’s screams were cut off as she was handcuffed and placed in the back of a police cruiser.
“Pretty messed up if you ask me,” said the prosecuting detective. “People really aren’t standing for it anymore. It’s an antiquated practice.”
In a public statement, the extended Risken family said, “This behavior illustrates that Shawna is clearly not committed to living by our collective family values.” Lily’s grandmother, Patty, continued in an individual statement that read, “Shawna has always been reckless. I’m not surprised that despite living a boring, suburban life she managed to fuck up like this. On another note, the entire city of Eden Prairie is cordially invited to my home next Friday for a total black-out rager.”
Grandma Patty’s rager is BYOB, but a keg will be provided. Shawna Risken’s appeals will most likely be denied next week.
-A Well-Mannered Grump