I Cleaned Out My Closet, Now the Only Item of Clothing I Own is a Justin Bieber Concert Shirt from 2010
Ok, I went too far. I can admit that. Sure, I’ll miss owning pants and sweaters and underwear and all that but… I can make this work to my favor.
The rush of seeing old clothes pile up in the Goodwill box was like the rush of heroin. Begone! Striped sweater I bought for a Where’s Waldo theme party in college. See you never! Pair of track pants I bought when Athleisure was the hottest thing since actually exercising. Au revoir! White Stripes T-Shirt I bought when I wanted to impress a boy with my extensive knowledge of 2000’s indie bands.
I just need to figure out a way to co-opt this cotton-blend, made in Thailand, a stretched-out image of the Biebs, V-neck, to adapt to the rest of my life.
I’ll fashion it into a trendy tank top! It can be a skanky little swimsuit number for the summer! For work zoom calls, I’ll make it into a frenchie scarf and subtly hide my bosoms under the video’s eye.
Sure, I could just “buy more clothes” but where’s the creativity in that? This is my life now.
-A Well-Mannered Grump