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How to Explain to Loved Ones, “Fuck It, I’m Casting Spells Now”

Dear Loved Ones,

Fuck it, I’m casting spells now.

 

Beyond the possibility of actually, for real dying, COVID-19 has also severely impacted the mental health of billions across the globe. To combat this psychological nosedive, some people have resorted to coping mechanisms such as playing Yoga with Adriene videos, tie-dying their entire wardrobes, or baking an entirely new family out of gluten. But not you, because fuck it — you’re casting spells. That’s right, you leveled up, you’re a whole different type of crazy now.

 

Once this transitions from casual hobby to full-on Witchbaby Lifestyle, it’s important to inform your loved ones in as delicate a manner as possible. This can be a difficult task, which is why our team has compiled some possible scenarios. 

 

Slipping tarot cards into random places around the house, then “discovering” them like, “Oh, what’s this??? By the way, when I get sad now, I create long, ritualistic chants about my ex-boyfriends. You have tarot cards though??” Do this a few times, and I promise they will catch on.

 

Gently, but directly, ease into the conversation. For example, try sitting your parents down and saying something like, “Mom, Dad, do you remember how I compulsively checked Pottermore and MuggleNet after school daily from 2004-2010? Well, this is the natural progression of that. I am a witch now.” And then pull out your crystal collection (but only the quartzes, because they’re not ready for the real shit).

 

If you think the term “witchcraft” might possibly be alienating to your Evangelical Lutheran Church of America minister father (whose family phone plan you’re still on), consider using more neutral terms, such as announcing that you “will continue to explore Western Esoteric Tradition” (e.g. witchcraft with a Bachelor’s degree). Your father may be less likely to take this as you eschewing the entire Judeo-Christian belief system, and thereby creating a permanent divide in your nuclear family unit, but it’s still pretty fifty-fifty.

 

If your parents are old hippies, you might lead with, “Hey, I also like to light plants on fire. Okay, hear me out. Kind of like weed, yes, but more like I cleanse the space of negative energy and vibrations. Yes, so yeah, mhmm — no, I see your point, still kind of like weed, yep. But in a spell-casting way?” After all, you do frequently use witchcraft as an excuse to get high and stalk your crush’s Venmo transactions, so this isn’t totally a lie.

 

If nothing else works, just go ahead and cast a spell on them. Fuck it! Abracadabra their asses. So? You did warn them. Witchbabies for life.

 

By: Sydney Watt

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