How to Explain That You’re Watching Chris Voss’ MasterClass “The Art of Negotiation” for Dating Purposes Only
Your self-isolation targeted ads are suggesting you take an online class, and helloooooo? Of course! After all, you are an academic. I see you, Phi Beta Kappa, Class of 2018. Hmm, what subject will you, one of the world’s great minds, choose to further your studies? The internet’s options are practically limitless. Should you take Gwyneth Paltrow’s virtual class, “Reiki for Cats?” Your Jersey friend’s nonna’s online course, “Pasta Pasta Pasta?” Those sound fun!
But no. No. Instead, your roommates are concerned that, for $180 (technically $179.99 plus tax, not a bad deal), you enrolled in Chris Voss’ 18-part MasterClass “The Art of Negotiation.” They’re like, “But why? Sydney. You’re….a barista. What could you possibly learn from a former FBI lead hostage negotiator? This doesn’t even sound fun.” Okay. Their response is understandable, if uninformed. They’re simply forgetting that, 1. You are single. And that’s it.
Where’s this metaphor going?
Are you the hostage or the hostage-taker in your dating life? Don’t worry about it too much. We’re alllllllllll hostages in love, baby. “Negotiation” is just another way of saying “I refuse to take a passive role in my life,” really, if you think about it. Pretty feminist. Okay. Also, your roommates clearly did not watch the full MasterClass trailer (which you sent to the group chat twice, just in case they didn’t see it the first time). If they had, they would already know that:
“Everything in life is a negotiation.”
— CHRIS VOSS, INTERNATIONAL HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
And I don’t mean to conflate your dating life with an armed abductor holding a person at gunpoint.
Kind of? (What! Don’t hate me!)
And so WHAT if your roommates sat you down this week to ask why you keep bringing up “tactical empathy” and “the importance of creating the illusion of control” when they’re just trying to use the microwave. I don’t see THEM hard at work on Part 17: Mock Negotiation. OKAY. Tell me, what are you doing Samantha? Sewing face masks and calling your mom every day? Oooh, noble.
Ugh. Maybe you should have taken Margaret Atwood’s MasterClass “Creative Writing for People Who Literally Cannot Read” instead. Well. If your stimulus check comes soon, then maybe you can afford both.
-A Well-Mannered Grump
by: Sydney Watt