Gordon Ramsay Enters Fourth Minute of Heated Staring Contest with a Stubborn Head of Lettuce
Gordon, you fucking twat, don’t blink. Don’t you dare fucking think about blinking Gordy. You can do this. You will do this! You will outlast this insufferably stubborn inanimate head of iceberg lettuce.
Gordon Ramsay deep in battle.
On April the twenty-first, 2020 at exactly 6:45 PM, world-famous chef, absolute darling of the Cooking Channel, and well-known angwy wittle boy, Gordon Ramsay began an eye based bout never to be forgotten. We are of course referring to a staring contest.
Ramsay was on his way to back the bathroom when he noticed a stray head of iceberg lettuce sitting on the kitchen counter. A clear and absolute mockery of Ramsay’s moral compass. Immediately, Ramsay made a bee-line for the out of place ruffage. “Fuck you think you’re looking at?”
Immediately, the head of lettuce did nothing. All it could do was sit there. After all, it is simply a head of lettuce. (Although, I supposed it did continue to just sit there.) Maybe this unrivaled stillness was somehow interpreted as an invitation for a good ole fashion pupil focused standoff in the mind of Mr. Gordon Ramsay. Again, we are referring to a staring competition.
One minute passed and Ramsay didn’t think.
Two minutes went by and you’d almost deem him athletic.
A third minute came about and still not one blink.
Of course, a blink would be hard for a nonsentient head of lettuce.
At last, minute number four.
Ramsay felt it from his head to his gut.
He could stand it no more.
Finally a Gordon Ramsay eye was shut.
“Yeah, well, FUCK you you fucking bit of rubbish,” Ramsay yelped as he opened his back door and punted the victorious head of lettuce down his street.
-A Well-Mannered Grump
by: Joe McNaney