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Face Masks Won’t Cut it, This Essential Worker Opts for Snorkel Wielding Crossbow for Protection

Face Masks Won’t Cut it, This Essential Worker Opts for Snorkel Wielding Crossbow for Protection

Face Masks Won’t Cut it, This Essential Worker Opts for Snorkel Wielding Crossbow for Protection

In recent weeks many states have implemented executive orders requiring everyone to wear a face-covering when in public, however, many essential workers find that a mask is not enough.

While a face mask may protect workers from the virus, breathing in carbon dioxide for 8 hrs a day is unsustainable. Many workers are calling for snorkels to also be allowed in the workplace as they allow more oxygen intake during an eight hour shift. Since the wearing of face masks has become more the norm, many workers have had to field complaints from customers who’ve only been out of the house twice in the last month, like Sharon Cline of White Plains, NY.

“Oh my gosh, I cannot with this mask, my glasses keep fogging up, and like it’s SO hard to breathe!”

Her cashier at her local supermarket retorted, with a noticeable eye roll “try wearing one for 8 hours a day.”

Sharon Cline then decided to go to the manager of the store, and make a complaint about the worker who’s actions cannot be held against her as she is suffering from Co2 poisoning daily, for a mere 2 dollar an hour raise.

Symptoms include general confusion, mild aggression, and continual migraines. The cashier, who will remain unnamed, has started a petition allowing essential workers not only snorkels but crossbows and batons as well. The petition calls for “two warning shots to be fired at the navel or below if a customer comes within six feet…liberal use of a baton if a customer is within striking range, batons cannot be longer than eighteen inches ad no shorter than twelve inches.”

Another incident at a grocery store in Chattanooga, TN found cashier Tom Rolland confronted with a patron who thanked him for his service. Chad Collins said with no ill intent, “thanks for what all you guys are doing man, I really appreciate it.” Tom responded earnestly saying, “aren’t you that guy who yelled at me for putting your bread on top of your eggs two months ago? Fuck off.” Tom was fired from his job, and now is collecting more from unemployment than he had been making at his store, even with his two-dollar raise! Tom could not be reached for comment, but according to his twitter feed he is “#livin it up.”


Many essential workers face an internal struggle during these times as their lives haven’t changed quite as much as many people going stir crazy, baking bread, making TikToks, and posting TBT’s on Mondays. Essential workers still pack their lunch, work 40 hrs a week, and cry in the bathroom every hour or two (more like every hour these days). Hank Arnold, also a cashier, has finally buckled down and taken his week of unpaid mental health leave so graciously granted to him by his company’s HR dept.

“I just can’t dude, like I’m not a therapist and these people want to come to the grocery store to have a conversation, and all I want is to not be risking my life for $16 an hr, they just don’t get it.”

The aforementioned $16/hr, by the way, is with his $2 raise. Can you tell we’re critical of this $2 raise thing?

Essential workers are not your therapists, they are not heroes, they are modern-day martyrs. Risking their lives for $2 more an hour… while many are complaining about not being able to leave the house, they’d like to stay home. Be kind, courteous, and don’t patronize because the crossbows are on the way!

-A Well-Mannered Grump

by: David Triplett

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