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Death Metal Fans Successfully Organize Socially Distanced Mosh Pit


Recent 8th-grade graduates and death metal enthusiasts have successfully executed the first socially distanced mosh pit this past weekend at Tamaques Park in Westfield, New Jersey. 


Despite concerns over COVID-19 spreading, metalhead Max McGlynn was determined to give him and his friends what they’ve been missing – a full-fledged mosh-pit experience. 


“We’ve been angry since quarantine started,” explained Max while putting on his eye-liner, “Usually when I get angry, me and my friends mosh, but because of everything that’s happening we can’t. I’ve been flailing my arms alone in my basement, but it isn’t the same. There’s something about hitting someone else while listening to blood-curdling screams. Anyway, the only person I’ve hit is my grandpa who accidentally wandered downstairs during one of his WWII flashbacks. May he rest in peace.”


How did they do it?


Inflatable human hamster balls. 


You heard me right.


Fans gathered in the parking lot where they were each given a hamster ball courtesy of Max’s mom who said, “If this is what it takes to get peace and quiet in my house, then I don’t care. Take my credit card and get him out.” 


Once the music started, the socially distanced mosh pit began. While not the same as hitting a fellow mosher in the head with your fist, it got the job done. It lasted for an hour until Gavin got bumped too hard and rolled into the crick. He’s been missing since.


If you have any information about Gavin’s whereabouts please call Gavin’s mom at 555-347-1235.


By:  Michael J Poyntz

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