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Bar Patrons Left Confused by “Kiss Me I’m Irish Facemask”


Local upholstery specialist, Diane Washburn, decided to lighten up on her quarantine this weekend by celebrating a long-belated St. Patrick’s Day. Her event was full of mixed messages from sporting a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” face mask to repeatedly uttering the phrase, “Don’t worry – alcohol kills everything.”


A close-acquaintance of Washburn felt it was important to clarify, “She’s not actually Irish. She is horny as fuck.”


“I’ve been so good these last few weeks,” Washburn reassured us as she ignored social distancing guidelines to pound back some Sam Adams with her twenty-eight closest friends. “My thought is, if I haven’t caught it by now I am pretty much safe.”


“I don’t know if the mask is ironic or what,” remarked Stan, Washburn’s fabric supplier. “I don’t want to take a chance on making a move if she is trying to stay safe, but I also don’t want to miss my shot with a broad like, Diane if that mask is the way in.”


It was apparent Stan was not the only one who wanted to shoot his shot. Looking around the room there was a sea of suitors muttering to themselves, “Smooch okay? Smooch not okay? Smooch safe? Smooch not safe?”


Some were even so bold as to go in for a kiss, lose confidence half-way, and try to come out of the lean-in by running their fingers through their hair as they used their other hand to point at a wall and say, “Shit that’s a cool plaque.”


We asked the bartender if celebrations of this size were a common occurrence amidst the global pandemic. She rolled her eyes through the layers of her PPE and responded, “I just work here, I don’t like to get involved, but I hope the luck of the Irish carries them the hell away from me.”

By: Nikk Tetreault

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