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Albert Pike Memorial Statue Delivers Most Politically Correct Speech at Republican National Convention



Today, August 24th, 2020, marks the first day of the Republican National Convention.


To the surprise of many, not every speaker has spewed racist rhetoric at every opportunity. No, the statue of Albert Pike, a senior officer in the Confederate States Army managed to stay completely silent during its time behind the podium.


While this may be a sign of progress, it is most likely a sign that a stone shaped to look like a man continues to be unable to speak.


When asked for his comments on the bronze and granite statue’s speech, or lack thereof, Senate Majority Leader and Guinness World Record holder for “Human Who Most Closely Resembles an Aged Eastern Box Turtle,”  Mitch McConnell said:

“Skeeeeert broh, that guy had the room freaking bumping like it was 1861.”

While one might not think that the year in which The Civil War began a great year to be brought back to, McConnell and most of those party members in attendance during the worst global pandemic in the last 100 years seemed to agree based on the lighters that swayed back and forth in the air as a rock concert-like atmosphere took over the room.

Here’s to hoping Kid Rock delivers an equally wordless speech…


By: Joe McNaney

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