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5 Audition Dresses That Positively Riff: “I Would Like My BFA in Musical Theatre, Please”

 

College Unified Auditions are a mere five months away, which means BFA Musical Theatre hopefuls should already have selected their 32-bar cut; 16-bar cut; optional 8-bar cut; up-tempo; contemporary pop; rock’n’roll ballad; Italian operetta; Sondheim patter song; Gilbert & Sullivan patter song; tears on command; contrasting Shakespeare monologues; comedic monologue that their mom thought was funny; comedic monologue that their high school drama teacher thought was funny; comedic monologue that no one thinks is funny; Very Dramatic Monologue about harrowing death of pet; monologue that is neither comedic nor dramatic, but extremely loud; seven distinct IPA dialects; pre-selected, improvised “about me” story; and finally, a brief Irish step dance variation. 

 

The only thing left is the outfit. Choose wisely, as literally everything hinges upon what you come out of that Macy’s dressing room wear

Pairs nicely with low character heels and conservative Idaho politics. My god, her parents are Republicans, but that girl can BELT! Absolutely prepared a Disney song. (Mormon?)

 

This dress confidently declares, “Yes, I cannot WAIT to be cast as the sexy best friend! I have made out with exactly one (1) gay boy, and he was very not into it!” You better believe that this girl has perfected the overdrawn cat-eye. Her general presence makes the director uncomfortable. She is incredibly hungry for her rehearsal notes. 

 

LOL musical theater is fun! :~) Guess I’ll try out for a couple of programs. ¯\_(?)_/¯ Might switch to an English major and just do a cappella though, these kids are intense. :// Have you seen Mamma Mia 2? What about Pitch Perfect 2? Yeah, I’m from Jersey! :p

 

It’s “theatre” with a “-re.” Your audition coach yes, you have one, and? told you that you won’t grow into your type until you’re at least thirty-five years old. On the weekends, you sing along to YouTube karaoke renditions of “The Ladies Who Lunch” in your family’s computer room. You’ve already read/annotated An Actor Prepares. Twice. Thinking about creating your own personalized acting method next. You have multiple College Confidential accounts under different pseudonyms, just to fuck with the competition.

 

Look at you! You bought this dress from Free People? You’re like, almost normal. You applied to ~46 programs, and your parents are fucking rich. You’re the sort of person who doesn’t make up an excuse to leave the room when people start playing “Never Have I Ever.” The biggest flex is that you think visiting New York is “not a huge deal.” Someone definitely asked you to prom, probably even both years

 

But remember, at the end of the day, college comes and goes. We all end up in the biz one way or another. Wear whatever dress you like. Hell, wear pants! It isn’t the program that matters, after all. What truly matters is if you’ve seen Hamilton live, and if you haven’t, wow I am sorry for you.

 

By: Sydney Watt

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