40 Days Indoors and The World Has Completed Every Puzzle
Puzzles, much like the dinosaurs, are extinct.
The world is in shambles, but somehow all the puzzles in the world have been completed.
Huge, bigly stores report empty, empty, EMPTY shelves as the world’s last puzzles are being purchased and hoarded by Crazy Covid People. Ryan Dongle, CMO of Target shared that he’s been encouraged by superiors to evolve in-store messaging. Target has been replacing signs that read “please only buy one carton of eggs” for “PLEASE STOP BUYING PUZZLES. WE DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS AN ISSUE.”
Target? No more puzzles!
Walmart? They out!
Kohls? Yeah, they definitely had puzzles somewhere. But they are gone now.
Toys R Us? Did anyone notice they went out of business?
iHop? Never were any puzzles.
SoulCycle? Shut it. No puzzles.
Infants, grown-ups, and all the wackos in between are purchasing and piecing together puzzles. Because I guess all of a sudden puzzles are… fun? And you know what Darwin always used to say: “When a global pandemic hits planet earth, puzzles will be the first to go! Natural selection, bitches!”
So if you have an unopened, crispy fresh puzzle stuffed in your closet from Auntie Tottie, you better keep away from direct sunlight and under a generous heap of dust. Someday, and someday soon, that 4 cent puzzle will be worth millions?and I’m talkin’ dollars baby. Think of that “Lego Presents Barbie Presents The Nutcracker Presents Christmas In 3D” puzzle as an ancient relic from 2020 BC (before Covid, you idiot).
If only there was something else, something besides a puzzle, we could spend our time piecing together… something… like… our country.
-A Well-Mannered Grump