38% of Existentialist Corona Bottles Don’t want to be Drank in Fear of an Empty Feeling
Our top researchers went door to door and took a pool of 1000 unconsumed Corona bottles with existentialist tendencies and the results were STAGGERING! 38% of the bottles did not wish to be consumed due to an ever-looming fear of “that empty feeling.”
The phrase “empty feeling” was mentioned in nearly all of our conducted interviews. After digging a tad bit deeper we found a bit of folklore that behind the now apparent colloquial “empty feeling”, colloquial because when an inanimate liquid holding glass container with alcoholic branding on its shell says “empty feeling” they are referring to The Tale of Jean-Paul Bottle. The short story, in short, can be found below.
The Tale of Jean-Paul Bottle
Jean-Paul Bottle sat at the end of the bar when a wandering beer can approached. The wanderer excitedly exclaimed, “Today may be the I am to be consumed!” While the wandering can may have hopped for even an ounce of enthusiasm from Bottle, none was was shown. “Consumed? Consumed with what but the need for consumption, recognition, and purpose. Consumed? If you are consumed, you’re no different from yourself right now, only the emptiness you hide will show itself. That empty feeling will be on display for all.” Bottle mumbled with a dead stare into the distance. The beer can hunched over, they too now did not see the need to chase consumption for, in the end, the great consumer shall drink us all.
Yeah, that’s the story.
-A Well-Mannered Grump